Just like every normal human,I staggered off my bed and trudged to my bathroom. It was around 6am and the dark blue hue of the sky was fading for the bright light of the full morning to glow. I moved out of the bathroom, and that was when the awful horror laid its icy hands on my brain. I just remembered it was Valentine,the worst day of the year. The day that forces me to break up with my girlfriends. I ran towards my bed,throwing my pillows,bedspread and the disgusting cat that my Dad bought for me which vexed my spirit each morning with its itching meows. I looked at it and it gave me a sad look,that wasn’t going to work on me. With a great accumulated energy without reflex,I threw it away and I think it landed on the door. I continued searching for my life saver,my phone.
“God please…let it not ring” I cooed. I found it buried under my rug and I picked it up and shut it down. I hived a sigh of relief and collapsed face flat on my bed.
My first problem on Valentine was money. I didn’t want to break up with this particular girl because I liked her. She was different and I couldn’t treat her like the other girls who I had broken up with on Valentine’s day because I couldn’t afford the many gifts they requested. The last one I had broken up with was the deadliest. She made a list of all the gift she wanted and I just sat on the chair,watching the list unfold in steps. The list might have been up to a hundred being that the paper were she wrote all of them rolled from the table down to the floor. I was a very simple man, so I took the list,folded it back for her and dropped it inside her bag. I was also a gentle man and so I carried her bag and dropped it with a taxi man who I later paid to take her home. I was just being a perfect man. As soon as she got home,she sent me a text
“Poor wrenched fool!”
That was a painful insult but its all in the past.
Right now,I didn’t want this special girl to call me like she did every morning. If she called me,I was sure she was going to say something about valentine gift and all the girly shit so I switched off my phone before any harm could be caused. I picked up my iPod and began playing some games. With utmost satisfaction, I checked for the time and it was now 8am. I reached for my door and pulled it open. Perplexed rotten corpse,gnashing teeth and swollen eyeballs was the perfect way to describe my expression as I stared at her. She had come with a bright smile and arms wide open and I think she said something like
…what freaking deadly surprise!crazy bitch!,I was glad I didn’t say that
I couldn’t hear properly because my ears were auto-closing at the moment. She hugged me and I couldn’t help but force a smile. I am sure she thought she was making me happy. To be sincere,right now I was like something left hanging on a rope to be slaughtered by a machete. She sat on my bed and crossed her leg. She was trying to seduce me thinking I will throw all my money on her for her exposed legs.
“Mehn!what a surprise…happy val baby” I said,in the false image of a happy man and she smiled. Right now,the only person that could help me was my friend chike Nelson. He was my best friend and we shared everything . He dates my ex’s and I didn’t really care because I did same. The simple fact is that we share ex’s. He saves me each time my girlfriend’s made this irritating surprise val visit. He knew how to really cook up lies and finally make the girl change her mind as to having the Valentine gift on that day. He would say
“Don’t worry…trust your boyfriend..he would give you the gift in a sweet way tomorrow”
And finally,I never gave them the gift because I broke up with my them that same day. As I watched her smile her white teeth to my face,I prayed chike nelson arrived and just then, I heard a knock. I reached for the door and saw chike standing with a rose in his hand. I wondered if he had turned gay for Valentine so i smaked the flower away and whispered
“My guy!…abeg help me out“
He looked at me with confused eyes before my girlfriend said
“What do you have for me chike my love..you could have chose another venue..why here?”
I was confused as I watched chike move to my girl friend and place the rose on the left side of her hair and kiss her hand. He had just come to my house to intimidate me. I wanted to slap the living daylight out of his possibly malfunctioned brain. I grabbed his shirt and he said
“Mehn!calm down man…haven’t you broken up with this one already?..why are you getting so angry”...I wondered how someone could spit so much stupidity in seconds.
” did I tell you I did?’ I screamed
That was when everything became clear and I found out that he was now dating my girlfriend and she never told me because he had already feasted her with my yearly Valentine breakup routine and she had believed and moved on before I could even say a word. I didn’t want to do same to her. Every year I had broken up with girls on valentine but its the other way round this year. She broke up with me even before valentine and my friend was the culprit. He pleaded after I had almost punched his soul out
“I thought you normally breakup with your girlfriends man! Am soo sorry I didn’t know you wouldn’t”
They walked out of my room and I collapsed on the bed. It was 10am and I was hungry so i walked to the fridge to find something to eat and I saw my girlfriend, I mean ex and my friend eating their faces.
“Get the hell out of my kitchen and house you squirrels!”
My valentine wasn’t so bad after all,I saw my friend’s credit card in her hands so i knew he was in for something leaving his bank and I was safe from that soo..I let them go. Happy valentine…..
Hey guys!!!!! Its almost valentine. MY PLAN IS TO SLEEP ALL DAY!!😂😂😂WHAT IS YOURS OR HOW IS IT GOING?🙄